Some days need to be spent on your sofa, wrapped in a duvet watching How I Met Your Mother. It’s that episode where Robin goes to Marshall’s bar trying to fit in. It’s kinda funny cause it pretty much how I feel at the moment.
I wanted 2017 to be the year I take my blog up to the next level. I want to really develop my writing and create a more engaged audience. I want my blog to be less of a catalog of reviews and opportunities from my inbox. I didn’t want to be just another post on Twitter, I wanted it to embody myself more, which to me means, being more honest and open.
But, that all kind of went tits up.
I know I sound like a broken record but my fractured arm has put me back more than I can explain. The best way I can describe it is that in most aspects of my life I feel like the kid in school who missed the coach to the school trip. It’s a weird sense of FOMO, but, it’s not actually a fear. I’m actually missing out. Having been out of action for the past 6 weeks, I’ve felt nothing but a feeling of being left behind, and it’s been a feeling that has been eating away at my confidence.
I wanted to start 2017 with a bang. I wanted to push at Blogmas, put it out the way and start 2017 being a sassy, crazy dog lady. Instead, I feel I started in a shell of my former self. I’ve started it in a tracksuit bottom wearing, crazy haired and more fragile version. My brain feels like it’s a cloud of boredom mixed with frustration, a constant dull pain tinged with negativity. It’s hard. It’s so bloody hard to keep trying to pull myself out of spiral I’ve got myself in. I can start the day off with the best of intentions but trying to add more variety into my days at home are somewhat not doable right now,
Then there is huge loss of independence I’ve had to deal with but that’s another story and a different blog post all together.
I honestly am trying to build myself back up. I’ve been so caught up in feeling left behind: especially with blogging and friends. It’s been hard trying to keep a presence saying I’m still here guys! But, having nothing to say ’cause it either hurts to type or my days consist of watching Ru Paul’s Drag Race and eating peanut butter on toast. But, I guess this is simply to say I am still here. And I’m trying to beat these feelings.
When I really think about it, my biggest issue is that I couldn’t seem to deal with not being busy. I’m one of those people who will have a jam packed weekend and then complain about not being able to sleep or relax when I get back to the office on a Monday morning. But, having so much time off, I genuinely couldn’t deal with it. Before I broke my arm, if you could picture my brain I’d imagine it to be like an airport. Everything bustling about, everyone trying to get to somewhere they want to be and just get their shit done and be done with it. But then, overnight, the airport is broken. You’ve still got all this shit to do, it is still bustling about in your head and crashing into each other, but, you are physically unable to do it.
Like I said, I’m getting there. The other week was a cause for celebration because I managed to walk Rufus on my own. We walked along the canal and I just felt better. We didn’t got particularly far; but I had fresh air and there were not feelings of being under someone else’s time. Then the other week, I drove a car for the first time in a month. The car journey was about 3 miles but I did it. I didn’t forget how to drive and it also meant that was another bit of independence gained.
So where does it leave me now? I’m celebrating every mini celebration I can. As much as I’ve hated the past 6 weeks, I have slightly appreciated it for the headspace. It’s allowed me to be bored, feel frustration, which has also bought on some really good blog ideas. The frustration is being unable to type them up. But they are in my empty brainbox. Not only has it given me an empty brain, it’s let me view the world for what it is. I haven’t had to think about getting a post up or scheduling tweets. I’ve been able to go on the most un-picturesque dog walks and just make use of our local field. Not everything has been about the blog, about work. It’s just been about enjoying everything around me.
I’m building myself back – I’m not going to be left behind for the sake of missing a few weeks. I’ve still bloody got this and can bring back the sparkly best version of myself.