I have been in the strangest, saddest and darkest of moods for the past 2 months and y’know what? It’s been horrible. I have not known how to deal with it and I have never had my head filled with so much negative energy. I’ve never felt like I’ve had so many people questioning me, or having to question every single decision or thought I’ve made. I would have my 40 minutes a day where that I would spend after work playing fetch with Rufus and honestly, it kept me going. Seeing his happy little face bounding across the field made me feel that some decisions I were making were the right ones, but, I’d always have to go back to reality. Unfortunately, I couldn’t live on the field and lead a hermit lifestyle with Rufus.
I started to recognise what I was feeling wasn’t just a blip in the road. I was drowning in these feelings and keeping them all to myself. A lot of people in my life suffer with mental illness and for some ridiculous reason, I’ve always regarded their health more important than my own. My issues are very circumstantial and can be fixed, whereas what they face is an illness. So, I keep quiet, smile, walk my dog and let those 40 minutes top me up until the next day.
That’s until you just kind of loose your shit and sit in your car crying because people are freaking ridiculous.
I was just completely overwhelmed with sadness. I felt that Sadness off Inside Out had literally taken over my console and my Joy was hidden; nowhere to be seen. I wanted to talk to people about it but I couldn’t make sense of it myself and trying to explain this intense sadness over the smallest of things sounded insane. The only thing I felt I could muster to my fiance was that I only felt OK when walking Rufus but I can’t set up camp in our local field where people only visit me on appointment basis so I don’t have a sodding clue what to do.
He probably did think I had lost it a little bit because this was a side of me he very rarely sees. It’s also the side of me that I have no idea what to do with. I’m the rational, let’s get shit done kinda girl. The person who’s always known what they wanted and surrounds themselves with a busy life. As much as I love my dog; living with him in a field is not where we want to be. Whilst listing off the number of things on my list, no matter how big or small, my boyfriend tried to rationalise them all. He tried to become the Becky ways of dealing with people’s issues. He gave me perfectly sound, 100% Becky proof advise on how to deal with each point off my list. But, it wasn’t enough. I knew how to deal with each issue without committing to a life living in a council owned field. I wanted the sparkly version of me back and the only way to do it was to step away from my current life.
I decided I need my people. I rang one of my best friend and again listed off every single thing. She comforted me, laughed with me and sat on the phone with me for 2 hours. I felt better after speaking to her and she arranged to come down and see me.
That weekend has just been and gone and for the first time in a long time, I’ve felt lighter. Surrounding myself with someone who is on my page has lifted such a weight off me. In brief, it consisted of swatching all the make up in Debenhams, eating good food, drinking good coffee, dog walks and watching films in my sofa bed whilst sticking on £2 Primark nails to our fingers. It was good quality time that perfectly captured our friendship. Being in the company of someone who you can be your complete self around put me back into my good headspace. There wasn’t a need to create this perfect Instagram worthy weekend with her because
I’m learning to accept that I’m not invincible from my brain getting ill. I may not suffer with mental illness but it doesn’t mean feelings of anxiety, emptiness and sadness do not enter my head for a long period of time. I also need to start accepting that my mental health is just as important as others because, let’s be honest, sometimes you just need to look after number one.
I need to remember that there will always be blips in the road but it doesn’t mean it cannot be fixed. As long as there are good friends about and I recognise the signs, I’ll be A-OK.