I feel like at the moment, my blog is pretty much becoming my brain dump of thoughts. So, um, soz.
Who knew 26 would be the year I try and take on uphauling my life to the max? I’ve gone from being very balanced, to unbalancing everything to find another type of balance; a happier and more fulfilled one. One that doesn’t make me want to u-haul everything over again. And, it’s weird. It’s a really weird emotion to deal with.
Because, being completely honest, my own self-sabotage of wanting a better life has bought me down this weird, unbalance life I’m in right now. I use the word self-sabotage lightly; I read something at work the other day saying millennials were being hired more and more but we bought a different ball game to the room. We wanted more flexibility, more bonuses and all we have bought to the table are our strong ICT skills.
Hilarious when you’re the only one in your team who knows their way round an Excel spreadsheet.
I read this, and then had to go into a meeting about the whole thing; which was really, really surreal. But, then I thought, what is wrong for wanting to push myself even further?
I live an unbalanced life at the moment and I will happily admit that. It’s not healthy at times, as some school nights I’m out with my pals drowning my sorrows and eating pizza when I shouldn’t be. Most nights I’m up till midnight working on my blog or job applications. Some nights, I go to bed at 10pm to get some space from my life and aimlessly scroll through Instagram.
Some nights, I become a yes woman saying yes to all the opportunities in my inbox, taking on freelance work and completely being empowered by the sassy red lady emoji. Nights where I’m channeling my inner Blair Waldorf and thinking, I’ve got this. I am a girl boss who can achieve it all. I am a queen.
But occasionally, there are nights where I want to give up on everything I’m working towards and accept a life of never reaching my full potential. The feelings of self doubt and feeling second best in a world I occasionally feel like I’m not made for. That there’s no room for me to make my mark. That all the late nights, working myself to exhaustion and having a schedule as busy as the Queens is for nothing.
Those are the feelings that overwhelm you. The pressures, the failures and every other negative feeling can soon build on top of you and crush you. Crush your spirit and your fight. Leave you bitter or leave you want to be crying on your sofa hidden in blankets for most of the night.
Is it worth to keep occasionally feeling like that?
My Mum told me the other day that it only takes one yes. It only takes one yes to change your life and make every single crying in your car moment listening to Travis all worth it. It’ll be worth all the unbalance that I’m feeling right now to get that feeling of balance and happiness again. But this time, it’ll be for the greater course and not feeling like I am not enough.
Because I am enough. We are all enough.
I may be brainwashed by my millennial mind and ideals of being self-entitled, goal driven and wanting to achieve. But, I have achieved everything I’ve pretty much ever set out to do and I need to remind myself of that at times. That I am an achiever and one that is enough.
I keep reiterating that life is so fragile and we never know how much time we have left, or when our world is going to be turned upside down. Life is too god-damn short to be unhappy, so, rock the boat a little. Suffer the imbalance to the balance, fulfilled happy life you truly desire. Fill your life with the things that truly matter, which to me is the people who make you sparkle, the job that makes you feel alive and not want to hide under the duvet, the people who help you achieve the life you want and are there every step of the way.