As I’ve gotten older I’ve found it more and more difficult to stop giving 2 hoots about things. I always refer back to being 17 a lot, because I didn’t give a shit. But as I’ve gotten older I really do. You think it’d be the other way round, right? I’m not particularly an anxious person, not to the point where I suffer from panic attacks or any symptoms like that but I do worry. I’m pretty sure I’m a natural born worrier and It’s difficult.
I’ve tried multiple things to help me. Earlier this year I bought The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k, and I loved it. I channeled my inner Sarah Knight and everything she said made perfect sense. However, I read that back in January and now I’m back in a worried place. The place with a lack of belief and feeling like an irrelevant person.
I was walking Rufus with the Geek the other night and told him about my worries. A lot of them were blogging related: recently starting Youtube (er lol), not feeling good enough and not a lot of self belief. A lot of my worries came from the blogging community. As well as wanting this to be a creative outlet I wanted to make friendships from this. I wanted this to be an aspect of my life where I could make friends, and I have. I’ve made some good friends from blogging but there’s also that feeling of where you annoy people. There’s so many people in the community where I think we’ve got so much in common and you get nothing back. I just feel in a place where I’m not good enough for people – I’m not worth the effort. When actually, I’m 90% sure we could be pretty good pals.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this post to be honest. I guess I’m just a little fed up logging online, trying to interact and get very little in return. I feel i’m not a ‘big’ enough blogger for people to see their worth in interacting. And it’s a shame. It really is a shame. I don’t know what more I have to do, to be honest. I’m not a beauty junkie. I’m not able to to whack out gifs on demand. I’m not that into avocado. I’m not a size 6 fashion goddess. I bloody hate glitter and unicorns. But I am just a normal 25 year old woman. Yes I can eat a Dominos Medium Pizza in one sitting. I drink pints of cider. I have a ridiculous accent. I watch a lot of Harry Potter and can quote all the films. My hair will always resemble a cocker spaniels ears and I’ll show you pictures of my dog all the time, but I’m normal. But apparently, that’s what we want. We want blogs and people who are relatable. In my experience, people online make you think normal isn’t good.
And this is not a good place to be into. Blogging is meant to make me happy; it’s a hobby. It’s my opportunity to write. When I get home from work I have around a 15 minute time slot before I go and pick up my boyfriend from the train station. Usually, I spend this time catching up on Twitter, and e-mails. Do you know what I did on Tuesday? I left my phone in my bag and emptied my kitchen bins and cleared up the dog shit in my garden. I put my two most hated chores; the ones The Geek and I avoid all the time, and put them over my hobby. The best thing is I felt more accomplished and productive picking up dog shit than talking to the blogging community.
This rant does make me sound like a negative Nancy and I promise I’m not all doom and gloom. Blogging has bought me some wonderful friends who I love seeing and speaking to on a regular basis. People like this do build me up and I appreciate their friendship and the sparkle that they bring into my life. I’m thankful to them as their friendship has bought what I wanted out of blogging. Seriously, you gals rock.
So, where do I go from here? I need to gain my happiness back. I need my hobby to be more fulfilling than emptying my kitchen bin. I’m going to do what is right for me. Right now, that’s taking a step back from social media and stop trying for a bit. I’m gonna stick a huge middle finger up at the internet people because no one should make someone feel shite and prefer to pick up their dog’s crap than talk to people. I’m going to post content that makes me happy; whether it’s rants like this or more focused on me. My blog is the generic lifestyle and it needs to focus more on me.